If you ask me who I am, I would tell you that I am an all or nothing kind of person. When I love, I keep loving until there is nothing left of me. I will drop everything for a person I care about.
You need money? Look at that, I got you. You need a person to talk to and just to talk? Here I am. I am that person.
I’m also overly cautious. It takes me years to make a changing decision in my life. I don’t jump into the deep end without knowing everything about that deep end. You won’t see me swimming in the ocean. You won’t see me ziplining. It’s because I don’t know where the end is or the statistics and it scares me.
It’s the same with my writing. My blog is a safety net. My short stories in anthologies are too. I am afraid to move past, to push through and becoming someone. And yet, I cry and grow depressed thinking no one likes my writing.
It’s not that people don’t. I know there are people who love my writing and they keep telling me to write. They tell me to jump.
But I’m scared.
My birthday is coming up in 9 days and it hurts knowing that I am scared all the time. I push past it, ignoring it by working and adding new projects. See, I’m too busy to do those other things. There is no way I can find the time.
Right now, I feel like crying. Out of anger, annoyance, or just knowing that I’m opening myself. It’s all of the above, to be honest.
There are going to be some changes in my life this year. Changes I’m not ready for, but I need to do to tell myself that I can. I’m becoming complacent. I’m becoming unloved (to myself, I know others love me).
I’m just sick and tired of being in a safety net. Lend me an xacto knife. I need to get to work.