It’s been a long time since I last updated my blog. Consistency tends to be difficult for me in general, but lately, it has been worse. My Goodreads review rating is low, too, because I haven’t been posting my reviews there. You might be wondering why. Or, you could just be shrugging right now and thinking it doesn’t matter.
Either is fine, to be honest. You do you, boo. But, for me, it is essential to explain what’s been going on. I will also talk about what I’d like to get done in the future, but I’m not going to promise the goods.
Basically, I’ve been having a hard time focusing. All my energy was put into work for my son, Bug. I haven’t been able to move past the regular routine. I’ve even found sitting down to read a book a struggle. It seems that after the divorce, I wasn’t able to progress. This isn’t because I miss my ex-husband or that life. Hah! No, I am very happy now.
It’s because of mental health.
I wasn’t depressed. I’m not depressed. It’s not the same as when I had postpartum or as a teenager.
It was more.
At the time, I called it frizzing. It was harder to hide my random screams, my dancing, and the random clicks and snapping of my fingers. It was difficult to not be emotional at the drop of a pin and feel a sudden sense that I was being rejected. Every day, I felt like I was missing out on something, and I needed to rush myself into doing something. I needed to do more. I needed to be more. Why wasn’t I doing all I could? What happened to have potential? Why don’t I have readers for my books? I must be an awful author.
Again, through all of that, I wasn’t depressed. I would look at myself in the mirror and know I loved myself. I could remind myself of what I’ve done. I was proud of all I’d gone through and still be able to thrive.
What was the problem?
Undiagnosed ADHD. I had suspicions I am ADHD for a while now. A part of that is because I would look at Bug and completely understand him. Though different, he and I just have a connection. Is there some co-dependency? Maybe? But, really, I just want to see him be all he wants to be and thrive. I don’t want him to be an emotional mess and find out in his thirties that it could have been figured out if he had just known where to look. He knows he’s ADHD and has known for a while, but I didn’t know I was. And I was afraid to have it confirmed.
It’s hard to get that confirmation when you’ve lived your life trying to be normal. But, being normal wasn’t working. I couldn’t think like others.
For the longest time, I felt constricted. I felt chained to something and unable to speak. I was afraid of losing myself. The diagnosis has been a serious game changer. I’m taking non-stimulant meds, and they have helped tremendously.
The weird electric buzz in the front of my head is gone (that was the frizzing. I could feel the energy, and it was like a version of tinnitus without the noise). I’m able to think clearly and focus on things. Long lists of tasks no longer seem so intimidating. I’m still singing at random times and dancing at odd moments, but that isn’t a problem. It was not having the energy or time to do what I wanted and loved to do: write and read.
Now I can.
I’m not going to promise consistency because that might be a little too difficult for me right now as I am still fairly new to the routine with meds, but I’m going to try. I’ve signed up for more blog tours, and you will see reviews for those. Outside of the tours, I’m going to try.
I can say that you will see more in future projects. There are four books slated to be published next year. Four! Two are in collections with other authors. The other two are a part of a series but are solo books from me. I hope I’m able to get another anthology of short stories out next year and maybe another book as well.
We’ll see. For now, though, I’m just happy that I can think and do things again. Now that I’ve updated you, I need to finish some stuff I’ve been sitting on. There’s a review I need to write, a book I want to read, and two projects that need to be written. There’s still more I want to do, but the pathway isn’t so cluttered now.
If you are finding that you are struggling, don’t hold back in finding out what is wrong. Get help. If I had done this earlier, my life would be different now. I still would have been divorced, but I definitely wouldn’t have stayed as long as I have. I also might have been living as a full-time author if I had known about my ADHD and pushed myself to get medication for it. However, I don’t blame myself, and I’m okay with this. I’m just enjoying myself now.
Casia’s a pretty cool girl. A bit random, but cool. Kind of like Sarah Sanderson from Hocus Pocus.