The first thing that comes to my mind when I say that I’ve been thinking, is the Gaston reprise in Beauty and the Beast. You know it.
Gaston: LeFou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking.
LeFou: A dangerous pastime
Gaston: I know.
Yeah, sometimes I think my brain is crazy. Go figure. Anyways, that’s not the reason I am posting this blog. I just wanted to start with that tidbit because it was/is literally on my mind.
As long as this blog has been up, I’ve been saying how I was going to get my inquiries made and become a published author. Now, this is still true. I do still plan on it, but now I’m thinking that my original thoughts were just too extreme. I can get like that.
Why do I think that?
Well, I’ve realized that I tend to sabotage myself. I only have a number of finished short stories and one actually finished book that isn’t really finished because it needs at least another two edits to go. I don’t really have a lot of big projects.
I’m beginning to worry that if I try to put out my inquiries right now, I won’t be able to finish a series I’ve started. I would end up backing out. I’m reliable, but only to family and friends. I’m not so reliable to myself. And really, being published is more for me than anyone else. We don’t need money and if we did, I could just get an actual job. Honestly, writing is just a part of me and that’s it.
So yeah, I’m scared that I won’t get what I want. I’m scared that if I do get what I want, I won’t be able to fulfill the demands that will inevitiably be placed on me. I’m scared. I’m not emotionally ready for rejection of a major kind. Granted, I don’t think I’ll ever be emotionally ready for that and there’s no garuntee that I will be rejected. HOWEVER, I feel that I need more time to finish more projects. I need to have more things to say I’ve finished before I can go and put my soul out there.
Does that mean I’ll never get published? No. I am still planning on self publishing items that I’ve been planning on since the get go. And, I will put out inquiries. I just want more than one finished project to say that I have done something. Besides, I can only improve from here. Also, I’m still young. Yeah, I think I’m going to wait.