When I was thirteen, I was diagnosed with depression. I had the works: the uncontrollable inner anger, the complete self hatred, and the unbridled need to end it all.
Through long periods of self loathing and the need to save myself, I went through therapists with no real complete luck. Medication helped for the most part. But, honestly, it was a change of setting, my family (Crystal included), and the need of validation that kept me going. Unfortunately, depression doesn’t just end. It comes back. In bouts mostly, but it does come back.
Since Bug’s birth, I have become less depressed and have become more of the person I used to be. I am thankful for it, but now I’m experiencing a new form of depression. The kind that comes along with my happiness. It’s something I’ve never had before and it worries me about the future when my husband is deployed in March.
Luckily, I live near most of my family and Crystal has agreed to stay with me in scattered moments during the six months. So, I don’t see too much of an issue. However, I know for a fact that it will be there. I’ll be stuck in the house (one that my husband knows I don’t care for) and that isn’t something I’m looking forward to. I can’t have a job because my husband and I have already talked about the pros and cons to it. All I have, or rather can do, is write.
And so, I will be comforted by my first love. I will embrace my feelings and thoughts. I will form and shape images, feelings, and change a perspective with my words. I will be validated in the world by first validating myself.
Watch out, people of my blog, you will be hearing a lot of me and I’m sure it will annoy you. Then again, I’m good at that.